Apologies and Non-Apologies
Fr. Tony’s Midweek Message
February 5, 2020
It
is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do
not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
~P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs
A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want
to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed
because he has been hurt.
~G.K. Chesterton
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
~Kimberly Johnson
True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Most of us have heard the term “non-apology apology.” It means when
someone goes through the motions of saying they're sorry for something but
in the process actually does the opposite of apologizing. We all can
think of governmental leaders, from both sides of the political
spectrum, caught in wrong doing, who try to manage things by issuing
what their press team calls an apology, but ruin it by saying things
like “I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt,” or “I regret the
consequences of my action.” Or they deny wrong-doing altogether, while
appearing to penitently address the problem. Almost always, the motive
is to manipulate things so that the lawyers don’t get involved: the
wrong-doer thinks, “if I admit wrongdoing here, that will be taken as
evidence of guilt or liability when this goes to court.”
Examples are many: think Bill Clinton’s initial reactions to
Monicagate, our current President’s almost pathological inability to
admit fault, the Japanese government’s repeated statements of “sympathy”
for victims of sex-slavery in World War II, or the U.S. government’s
own efforts to manage public relations fall out from atrocities in the
many wars it has waged over the last half-century. We often hear from
company customer service teams “We apologize for any inconvenience this
may have caused.” All such “apologies” seem to never be accepted as
apologies, and for good reason.
Inter-personal
counselors, sociologists, and trained peace builders all know that “I’m
sorry you got your feelings hurt” feels like an additional assault to
the one victimized by the wrong-doing—the wrong in the situation is seen
as a mere artifact of the victim’s imagination or excessive
sensitivity. What was meant to sound like an apology in essence is an
accusation of fault, further shaming and blaming the victim.
People who have looked carefully at this in a variety of cultures and
settings agree that for an apology to truly be heard as an apology and
have any hope of building reconciliation or restoring relationships, it
must have certain common elements:
1) An admission of fault and guilt that accepts responsibility for
the wrong-doing, without seeking any mitigating excuses or shifting of
responsibility. Naming the wrong-doing specifically helps us weed out
fake apologies: we say we're sorry only for the things for which we had
responsibility. This takes away the insincerity that cheapens our "I'm sorries" and just encourages our victims to think, "there he goes
again!"
2) A
confession of what specifically was wrong in the action, i.e., what
values or moral principles shared by the wrong-doer and the victim were
violated. Clearly stating what was wrong in what one did and admitting
it is essential in accepting responsibility. Naming specifically what
was wrong in the act helps establish common ground with our victim--we
can at least agree on what was wrong in what we did rather than blaming
each other for vaguely defined wrong. Words of explanation here can
help clarify our motives and intentions, but only if they do not pour
salt on the wound by trying to avoid responsibility.
3)
An expression of remorse for the wrong-doing and the real harms caused
the victim. "I regret I hurt you" passes muster here; "I'm sorry you
allowed your feelings to be hurt" does not.
4)
Sincere efforts at restitution or righting the harms done, or if such
is not possible, asking what the victim believes might help make things
better.
5) A commitment
to pursue such restitution, and an affirmation that the wrong, if
continuing, will stop immediately, and a firm undertaking that it will
not be repeated (expressed, again, in specifics rather than vague
abstractions).
In essence,
for an apology to work as an apology, the wrong-doers must cast
themselves on the mercy of the victims, without excuse, explanation, or
trying to manipulate things and wriggle out of the problem. If this is
not the basic transaction, then what you are pursuing is not an
apology. It is a further assault.
Jesus calls us to be peace-makers. Jesus calls us to seek
reconciliation. He calls us to love our enemies and pray for those who
harm us. Learning how to take responsibility for our misdoings and
apologize sincerely, learning how to make amends, and if amends are not
possible to at least sincerely seek forgiveness, is the first step of
following Jesus in the messy areas of human relationships.
Grace and Peace,
Fr. Tony+
No comments:
Post a Comment