Fr. Tony’s Mid-week Message
Rules of Comforting
Sometimes when we are trying to help and comfort
those in distress, we find that we say something that isn’t quite right. Back in April, the L.A. Times ran an op-ed entitled “How Not to Say the Wrong
Thing.” It gives a helpful way of
looking at what we are doing in giving comfort to those in distress, whether
the distress is “medical, legal, romantic, or existential.” It is called ring theory, and provides a good rule of thumb to keep us from
making things worse:
Draw
a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the
center of the current trauma. … Now draw a larger circle around the first one.
In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma… [perhaps a
spouse.] Repeat the process as many
times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents
and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings,
less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching
Order. …
Here
are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to
anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the
heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the
one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone
else can say those things too, but only
to people in larger rings.
When
you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the
center of the crisis, the goal is to help.
Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your
mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort
and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it.
Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t
need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must
really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You
should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And
don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.” …
[The
basic rule is:] COMFORT IN, DUMP OUT.
We thankfully have lots of opportunity within
our parish to help and comfort each other.
It is important to remember “Comfort IN, Dump OUT,” as is not saying
everything we think. Keeping
confidences, not gossiping, and always trying to act with love and integrity
are all essential in ensuring that our comfort and assistance is indeed helpful
and grace-filled.
Grace and Peace,
Fr. Tony+
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