Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Rules of Comforting

 
 
Fr. Tony’s Mid-week Message
Rules of Comforting
Sometimes when we are trying to help and comfort those in distress, we find that we say something that isn’t quite right.  A few years ago, the L.A. Times ran an op-ed entitled “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing.”  It gives a helpful way of looking at what we are doing in giving comfort to those in distress, whether the distress is “medical, legal, romantic, or existential.”  It is called ring theory, and provides a good rule of thumb to keep us from making things worse: 
Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. … Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma… [perhaps a spouse.]  Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. …
Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.” …
[The basic rule is:] COMFORT IN, DUMP OUT. 
We thankfully have lots of opportunity within our parish to help and comfort each other.  It is important to remember “Comfort IN, Dump OUT,” as is not saying everything we think.  Keeping confidences, not gossiping, and always trying to act with love and integrity are all essential in ensuring that our comfort and assistance is indeed helpful and grace-filled. 
Grace and Peace,
Fr. Tony+

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