Rules of Re-engagement
Fr. Tony’s Letter to the Trinitarians
May 2021
With Jackson County going back onto the Governor’s “Extreme Risk List” last week it may be a while before we are able to truly return to a face-to-face common life. But as we prepare to reengage, it might be helpful at this point to take a moment to reflect on how we can be there for each other in the most useful and uplifting ways. A year of public health-imposed isolation has had its effect on most of us, if not all: some are hunkered down and finding it hard to lift up their heads, let alone get out and see people; others of us have gotten used to interaction through a small screen that allows us to dress in pajamas if not visible to the camera, or wander off in someone else’s mid-sentence if we are not sufficiently interested by what we are hearing. In a word, many of us have become slightly more anti-social than we were before, less able to connect even when we want to.
Most of the members of the parish have experienced at one time or another in our lives hurt at the hands of church people. Yet we continue to come to Church, or have resumed coming to Church, because of the spiritual support we find there, despite hurt. It is thus important as we prepare to meet again with each other on somewhat normal terms to reflect on how to best provide support for each other.
In the medical profession, there is a maxim: “first, do no harm.” Here are a few ideas on how we can best avoid doing harm in the Church. I offer them as conversation starters and address them to myself as well as all the parish.
Be polite and kind. Acknowledge people when they are present. Say please and thank you. Try to use people’s names when addressing them. Keep unspoken all negative thoughts that may cause others to feel judged, excluded, or the objects of pity.
Avoid partisanship: In the First Letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul counsels a local church that is riven with divisions linked to partisanship about leaders, summed up in the competing lines, “I belong to Paul; I belong to Apollos; I belong the Christ.” Paul says we must not be divided, partisans of this or that person’s ministry. He says that unity can be found only in Christ himself—the real living Christ who leads us, not Christ as an image or slogan for a single party. He says that if we root ourselves in Christ, and attribute all success in Church life to him and not to his various servants who lead us, we can obtain what he calls, “the mind of Christ” and find unity even in our diversity. Church problems for Paul result from our failure to follow Christ, not from the ministry of others not measuring up to our own exacting standards: “For as long as there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not of the flesh, and behaving according to human inclinations? … [N]either the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. The one who plants and the one who waters have a common purpose, and each will receive wages according to the labor of each. For we are God’s servants, working together; it is God whose field you are, God, whose building you are, not someone else.” The fact is, most of the complaints we have against the ministry of others are actually projections of our own failings, which we foist onto others to relieve ourselves of guilty consciences so we can blame the church’s failures on others, not on our own failure to follow Christ.
Address problems directly with the person with whom we may have an issue; do not triangulate and try to enlist others in our disagreements with them. If you have an issue with how someone is doing (or not doing) ministry, then talk with that person directly. Do not chat it up with others, hoping that they will engage the problem person themselves and save you from the pain of a difficult conversation. Do not gossip. Take responsibility for you own opinions and reactions, for your own feelings. When talking with others, use “I statements,” i.e., expressions of how you feel, or what you experienced, rather than name-calling, labeling, and accusations leveled at the other person. In having a person confront you so, listen to them, and try to answer, again, with “I statements” rather than facile explanations, excuses, or, worst of all, counter accusations.
Do not judge others; give them the benefit of the doubt. Each and every person we meet is dealing with a whole range of issues of which we have no idea. Their perspective is different from ours: they will evaluate and weigh issues differently from us. It can be as simple as having a different threshold of comfort in hugging or shaking hands, or as complicated as one’s sense of personal moral obligation differing from that of others in our community. Having the mind of Christ means loving them despite such difference, and actually embracing and valuing the differences. The benefit of the doubt in practical terms means giving a person the benefit of trust. Try to anticipate the needs and reactions of others, and establish a regular dialogue with them on a whole range of things, shared and divergent. In this era of contagion and struggle against pandemic illness, even as we try as hard as possible to implement public health guidelines, try not to reject, exclude, or lecture others on the basis of whether their response does not meet our own informed standards, which may, after all, be coming from our own unresolved issues.
Volunteer and let the ministers and ministry lay leaders know of your skills and availability to serve. It is hard to keep a community engaged without any whiff of cliquishness and “in-crowd control” if people do not step up and let us know of their skills, their passions, and their availability. Do not expect automatically to be called to the ministry you imagine yourself as having: calling is a matter of discernment both by the person being called and the community through whom God’s call is acknowledged. But be open about what God has given you so that that discernment can take place.
Those are a few ideas, there are plenty more that I would appreciate hearing from you.
Grace and Peace.
Fr. Tony+
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